On Second Thought

Well, I may not change anything about our nursing and sleeping just yet.  After I started really thinking about making a change, I felt like it was too soon and I didn't want to.  My husband and I have been able to spend more time together thanks to our babysitters, and my back hasn't been hurting.  I'm sleeping on a very soft feather pillow which allows my head to be mostly flat on the bed rather than propped up, but I can fluff up the feathers enough to give my neck some support.

I still plan on asking advice at the next La Leche League meeting I go to.  So far, I've read some good things about Dr. Jay Gordon's approach to gentle night-time weaning.  Maybe sometime in the next few months I may decide to do that.  Or not.  I would rather night wean and continue to co-sleep than stop co-sleeping altogether.  It's just one of my favorite things about having a baby.  She's sleeping beside me now, just wearing a diaper (she got apple juice and zucchini bread all over her outfit at lunch).  She looks so peaceful.

Co-sleeping

I've been thinking a lot about co-sleeping recently and thought I'd write a post about it.  We've been co-sleeping with baby since she was a few days old.  She's never slept in the crib except for a 20 minute nap once.  I love co-sleeping.  After I had her, I'd look at her and couldn't imagine not sleeping by her.  We had a bassinet (borrowed from friends) and she felt so far away from me.  Those first days, I'd put her in it, then wish she was next to me.

Co-sleeping allowed me to sleep.  When I meet people and they ask about sleep-deprivation or if I'm looking forward to getting sleep again someday, I tell them I already get about 8 or 9 hours a night.  I get less, sometimes much less, if she's teething or sick.  But there is nothing like sleeping by a baby.  Their soft little breaths, the little legs curled over mine, the snarfles and moans and squeaks she makes in her sleep.  The tiny hands reaching for some part of me, any part, to hold onto.

It's pretty easy for me to flash  forward to the day when she's 15, or 30, and she'll no longer be sleeping beside me.  Right now is a tiny speck, a flash, a flicker, a swift movement of the hands on the great clock of Time.  It will pass and be gone before I know it.

So as I type, she is curled up beside me and nursing.  She has a cold so her snarfles are louder than usual.  I've been thinking about the possibility of her sleeping in her toddler bed soon, at least when she goes to sleep, and to whisk her into bed after her first night waking.  Co-sleeping is not entirely easy.  It takes a toll-- for me, on the amount of time spent with my husband.  I'm starting to miss him and it feels like something needs to give.  And Baby is not such a tiny, tiny babe anymore.  Those days are gone.  She might do okay, even like, sleeping on her own for a few hours.

And now she's up.  Sitting beside me, rubbing her eyes, stretching, leaning back against the bolster pillow.  It does make me happy to make her happy.

Motherhood

We went to the Portland Old Time Music Gathering yesterday and took baby.  It was downtown at the Scottish Rite Center.  Oh how I loved it!  We heard such wonderful music.  We went to Leela Grace's concert, but baby was too active to want to stay still so we wandered around and listened in on folks practicing in the stairwells!  Holy cow, amazing music was being made.  Very inspiring.  I'm getting my fiddle back out today!

In other news, I've spent a lot of time pondering things lately, mostly motherhood, my relationship with my mom, and what kind of mom I want to be.

This is my favorite quote these days:  "There's no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one."  I remind myself of that quote a lot because I have struggled with trying, and failing, to be a perfect mother.  Truth be told, I'm worried about not being a good enough mother.  Other people would probably think I'm at the far end of the spectrum in terms of time/emotion/energy spent on baby.  I take very little time for myself.  I a m by her side for nearly all her naps (so she can nurse).  We co-sleep.  I'm big into babywearing.

But I still haven't watched a movie since I had her!  I've neglected my writing, crafts, basically most of my interests.

I have a lot of guilt though if I think about doing those things... But as my very wise husband said, it is impossible to be there 100 percent for baby, and do everything I want for myself.  I need to decide how much to give to her and how much to leave for myself.  I do need to give myself a little more time.

So, inspired as I was by the music yesterday, I decided to sign up for a clogging class.  It's something I've wanted to do for a long time!  And I'm getting that fiddle out and we'll see if I can remember any songs.  Hopefully I'll be playing Cripple Creek again in no time!

Oh, and I came across this list for moms.

Years ago, in New York

Sometimes I think about New York.  When I look at our old pictures from when we lived there, my heart aches.  I miss it there-- Rockefeller State Park, Rockwood Hall, the Hudson River.  I have to stop myself from thinking about it too much, otherwise I think I might cry.  You know how when you visit a place, and sometimes you just get this feeling... like it's a place where you belong, that it has some mysterious hold on your soul?  I think that's why my heart aches when I look at these pictures.  It was such a fleeting time, those years.  I didn't always appreciate them as much as I should have. I didn't realize how much that park and river, those trees and old roads and old stone walls would get into me.  Sometimes, I wonder if life will be like that, like after a person passes away and looks back on life, all those places and people, the ones you see and pass everyday, the ones that seem rather insignificant and ugly (I'm thinking of the 7-11 and Walmart, the couple of houses that aren't kept up so well that I drive by on my way home, the strange lady that works at the consignment shop), if they won't later seem so dear and sweet and why oh why didn't I appreciate them, well, now?

Pug Stamps

Pug didn't make it onto our Christmas card this year (it's hard to get two adults, a baby, and a dog to all be sitting still and smiling at the same time) but he will be featured on our stamps!  I ordered our 65 cent postage (for our square cards) with this image:

               

A Small Post With A Lot To Say

I've been thinking a lot this year since baby entered our lives.  I don't think I will write blog posts at all regularly, or maybe even again, but I have so wanted to write down some thoughts and share them with whomever comes across this little blog:

Love yourself, love children, love everyone.

Let yourself off the hook!

You are beautiful! You don't need anything to be more beautiful than you already are.

Even a very small act of kindness can go a long way.

Trust your instincts, listen to your heart.

If you are a mother, especially trust your heart!  Only you know what is best for your child.

Slow down, relish the moment.

Read more, sit more, watch less, do less.  You are a human being, not a human doing.

If you feel hurried and stressed, ask yourself what is really essential.

If you find yourself saying "I don't have enough time", be good to yourself and let something(s) go.

You need less stuff than you think you do.  Give things away.
(This is one I need to work on!)

Stuff will not make you happy.  Not pretty stuff, not expensive stuff.

You need more love than you have in your life.  Give more love, and more love will come to you!

Be kind to those who aren't kind to you.  If you find yourself angry at a stranger, look into your heart.

Forgive. Always!

The hardest people to forgive are those you love the most.  Forgiving yourself is hard, so forgiving someone who cuts you off in traffic should be easy (but it's not).

Learn to understand people.  If you find yourself judging them, ask yourself if you aren't judging yourself for the same reason.

There are lots of ways to bring goodness into the world.  Be creative!  One of my favorites is to write letters to stores about employees who were especially kind and helpful.  It will make that person's day!

Consider sponsoring a child who needs assistance.

When you start to open your heart up, you will grow and be able to give even more love!

Laugh!  Treat yourself often.  Be kind to yourself always.

This past year, what I have truly loved and treasured the most have been snuggles with my baby, breastfeeding her, wearing her, sleeping next to her at night and for naps, listening to her laugh and talk/babble, being a mother, and watching my husband be a father and love his baby!

Resources I like:
The Little Book of Light by Mikaela Jones
Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne
Beyond The Rainbow Bridge: Nurturing Our Children From Birth To Seven
The Magical Child by Joseph Chilton Pearce
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
The Rhythm of Family by Amanda Blake Soule
You Are Your Child's First Teacher by Dancy Baldwin
The Mama Bamba Way by Robyn Sheldon
A Mystic Garden by Gunilla Norris
Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner
llli.org
Mothering.com
Kellymom.com
TheBabyWearer.com
The Dragontree Spa in Portland, OR. Sign up for their newsletters filled with wisdom!

I'm resuming the blog after two years!  I'll probably only post once or twice a month.  We'll see!  I won't write much now because we're late for music class!